I wish I was a foreigner, living someplace on my own, like you. But this is China and I am Chinese. I don’t have a choice because I am poor. I can only do what is expected of me, what is acceptable and proper in the eyes of my family members. I am supposed to get married and have a baby. My husband and I will have to take out a loan on a house. With the baby and the loan I will spend the next 30 years of my life paying off the debt, struggling to save money for my child’s future. And maybe if I am lucky, I can enjoy life in my 50s. But it is so unfair. Why should I sacrifice my life in the name of cultural traditions when I am young and I don’t even know what I want yet? I haven’t had a chance to live for myself and never will, because I am getting older and my family is putting pressure on me to get married. It’s like a vicious cycle. Nobody here lives the life they have chosen. Everybody lives the life somebody else has chosen for them.
Ms Feisty and I have luckily known each other long enough for us both to be comfortable with conversations of this sort. In spite of the fact that I, to her, am an embodiment of everything she craves in life, her sole purpose in sharing these thoughts with me is just that – to share. Of all the people surrounding her I am the only one who does not have the mindset she was born into but grew up to resent. There is never an expectation in her stories, there is nothing she wants me to do. Being the alien that I am here earned me her trust, which I value, and I am glad she thinks I am somebody she can confide in. God forbid she utters a word of this to someone in her family…
Ms Feisty is an exception of which in over five years I’ve seen a rare few. However, the objective of this post is not to persecute China for imposing this burden of tradition onto its people. I maintain my stance on a state’s sovereignty, and vouch once again to not judge a people who are not of the same making as me, particularly not while I am reaping benefits of their hospitality.
The objective in pursuit is to acknowledge that freedom to choose a course of life for myself is one less thing I take for granted. Humans are creatures of habit. Having something constantly within our reach, in unlimited supply, diminishes its value in our eyes. Unless we are exposed to an environment where what we take for granted is scarce, few of us will realize that it is actually something to be grateful for.
My parents bought me my first computer when I was 16, a freshman at college. We had internet installed right away and off I went, exploring. Soon enough World Wide Web became a source of drama at our house, because my mother insisted I was using it in all the wrong ways. It was me wasting my time in chat rooms that bothered her. Ten years ago those hubs were filled with creeps and perverts and she was rightfully concerned. Needless to say, I did not understand and we fought over it, almost daily. And almost daily I resented her for it. Then someone emailed me some sort of questionnaire, the ‘yes’ or ‘no’ type. The questions went something like this:
- Do you have your own home? Yes.
- Do you always have food on the table? Yes.
- Are you healthy? Yes.
- Are both your parents healthy and still alive? Yes.
- Are they still together? Yes.
- Are you doing this test from a computer which you own? Yes.
Answering ‘yes’ to all the questions put me within 1% of world’s total population. Remaining 99% were less lucky in one or more ways.
See, something like this is so simple, it seems almost retarded to pay it any special attention. After all, you can not go through every day of your life humbly staring at your feet, mumbling “I’m grateful. I’m grateful. I don’t need nothing more.” Of course not. Having ambitions is healthy and building on top of what you already have is natural. But for whichever reason, it’s ten years later and I still remember that email. I don’t remember who sent it, but I never forgot that I’m on top of the world.
But back to the freedom of choice, anyway.
I haven’t consciously registered its value until I got to experience China. I didn’t know that being able to say “I don’t know what pressure feels like. I am absolutely free to live any life I choose.” is a luxury that very few of us enjoy.
Ms Feisty is dreading the Chinese New Year family dinner. Relatives are going to ask her whether they have set a date for her marriage. Upon hearing “No.” they will be telling her how she is getting older (she is 26…) and thus needs to hurry up. Hurry up to do the thing she doesn’t even feel like doing in the first place.
It’s just such a strange collision of worlds, Ms Feisty and I. I consult my family on every decision that I make. We exchange opinions, but it always ends with “Whatever you choose to do, we’ll support you. It is your life to live and nobody else’s.”
The Luckiness Barometer results startled me ten years ago. I informed my parents of my findings and actually thanked them for buying the computer. Conflicts subsided because my fascination with chat rooms faded as quickly as it emerged.
And ten years on the answer to each of those questions is still ‘Yes’.
